Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
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I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Self-cleaning conscience
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.