[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
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People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you鈥榲e got extra mac & cheese I鈥檒l be right over.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I鈥檓 making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Me: Can鈥檛 you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma鈥檃m, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you鈥檙e prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it鈥檚 thanks.
My wedding will be open casket.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 馃槗
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I鈥檒l wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that鈥檚 cuter. Ha! You can鈥檛. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
What鈥檚 it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.