I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
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“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Chemical wingman
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.