What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
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me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.