Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
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[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
My time has come.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
This is my pinned tweet
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers