If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
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I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x