[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
You Might Also Like
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s