Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
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Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.