“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
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*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper