Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
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Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid