One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
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Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
#Caturday
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
#winning
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”