The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
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8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*