[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
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When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.