Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
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“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*