(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
You Might Also Like
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”