me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
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5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Ron is short for Aaronald
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me: