Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
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I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.