Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
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Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?