” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
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My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…