Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
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My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Oceanography is all about current events
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.