*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
You Might Also Like
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
In Canada they just call them geese
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no