What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
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Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Breaking news:
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.