The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
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No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars