Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
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Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.