the answer was staring at me all along
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“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it