*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
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This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet