Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
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“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out