flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
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I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*