Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
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I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are