I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
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Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
The point of your 20s
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]