Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
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Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.