Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
You Might Also Like
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.