Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
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When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
I put the h in mysterious.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
is there nothing we can trust anymore
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.