Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
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I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought