When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
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It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
🛁
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you