Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
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Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
water it, i dare you
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.