Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
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[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
❤️❤️❤️
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table