Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
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Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I want to meet the individual who made this
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk