Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
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Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Ron is short for Aaronald
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Pickled cat.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?