Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
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[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Good morning, Twitter x
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.