I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
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Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.