Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
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Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.