Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
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Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
The symmetry is uncanny.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday