u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
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One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear