Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
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NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?