Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
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Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
The happy life.. 😊
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.