Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
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I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
This is a bad sign
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.