Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
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I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I feel this so hard
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!