Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
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Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
three things we don’t talk about
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.