fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
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Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.